a year to remember

Last year I decided that my new year's resolution for this year would be to give up drinking. I wanted people to get to know me for who I am... I wanted this year to be a year I can remember.... everything.

At first I had no reason for doing it. I just felt like I needed to know that people love me for who I am. Not for who I am when I am drunk. Because I have to admit that some people that I am friends with out here... I almost never see them unless it includes drinking. I haven't really had too many deep heart-to-heart conversations with most of them...

But... a lot has changed since the first of the year. I now have a reason to not drink. I could get into all the details.... but in simple terms I will do this year for my brother. And there is a good chance that after this year I may never want to drink again.

I want to show him how much I love him... how much I support him. I want him to know that I am here for him. And though I could just say all of that... I feel like in this case my actions will speak louder than anything else I can say. This year will probably be one of the hardest years for him.... but it is an important year. If he can do it this year... than he will know that he will be able to do it for the rest of his life. And to share this year with him... to me right now that means the world.

I chose to stay in tonight because I knew that if I went out I would be pressured to drink. I am not sure everyone will understand why I am doing this... but that doesn't matter. As long as my brother knows..... as long as he understands, thats really all that matters.

~Jet~

first blog of the new year...

2010.

I plan to go back to school and get my master's degree. I don't really know what else to do... I feel like I have been wasting precious minutes of my life.... partying is fun, but there is more to life than that. I want to help people.... I want to make a difference. I have yet to decide where I will be going to school.

Lawrence has never felt like home. Most of my first year I cried myself to sleep because I felt so alone. I tried to build strong friendships by asking people to hangout and inviting people over for dinner. But, I felt like it was all one sided... so I have long given up on that. I accept the fact that most of these people have known each other longer than they have known me.

I almost spent New Eve Year's alone this year... just as last year. Thank God a co-worker invited me over. It just sucks that I did not spend it with any of my "friends."

It made me think that I really AM alone out here. I have nothing to keep me here...

Even if the man I'm falling for... even if he felt the same way, I don't think it would be enough to keep me here. It is only a matter of time before I leave.... start a new chapter of my life.

My roommate is supportive. He tells me to do what is best for me. But is it terrible that I don't know what that is? At least not right now. I just wish I had a sign.. something to tell me that I am going the right way... that I am exactly where I should be.