speechless

My dad lost his job that he just got.

I don't know what to say. But, I will do anything to make sure that my parents are able to save their house.

Above my own needs my family will always come first. I have a lot of thinking to do.

God is good.

God is good.

After 1 1/2 year of my dad being unemployed he has finally found a job. I'm not sure why but this has inspired me to keep striving and pushing myself into finding that accounting job.

I had never lost hope.... I had just become tired of applying for jobs. But, I just have to keep applying... because I never know when I'll find the one company that is willing to give me a chance.

gotta find a way to forgive.

Sometimes I wonder if people would notice if I weren't around anymore.

My birthday is next month. I wonder if any of my friends will put aside there differences to be there for me. 26. And I still don't know what I'm suppose to be doing with my life. I feel like there is more I should be doing... but I don't know how to find any type of direction.

The one church I felt like I belonged out here I quit going to because I have been avoiding someone who hurt me very much. I avoid places I think he'll be because I have yet been able to forgive him.

This grudge that I hold... its not healthy. But, I don't know how to look past the pain. I have less than a year to push myself to forgive him.

I plan on moving back with my parents next summer. I feel like this will give me a chance to get my life back in order. I am willing to stick around if I have reason to. But right now I have no reason to.

My true friends will remain my friends no matter where I am. So, I am not worried about losing people in my live. I feel like this will just give us a chance to make our friendships that much stronger.

~ Jet ~

stuck in the friend zone

I have been recently talking to this guy.

We have just been hanging out and getting to know each other. I refuse to get stuck in the friend zone again. Time and time again.... this always happens to me. And I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. They say that the best relationships start off as just friends... but yet when I make a friend, they end up seeing me as a little sister or a motherly figure.

This guy.... I don't want him to see me like that. My roommates have been trying to give me advice... but I know in the end all I can do is just be myself.

My feelings are often one sided. And I have a feeling that it is that way again. But, we will see how it plays out.

I have my whole life to find the guy I was made for. Time will only tell if he is the one.

journey to self.

i recently went on a road trip.

this was my first ever road trip by myself. at first i thought it was all about the guy who i was meeting at the end of the trip. but then i realized this trip was all about me.

this trip really helped me realize how strong of a person i am. i had never dreamed that i had the courage to travel 700 miles... and by myself. all my life i have been scared... of everything. i vow now to myself to push myself to stop being scared. i vow to put my life in God's hands and to trust him.

i feel like i really found myself while i was on this trip and now that i am back home... i don't want to lose myself again.

it's been a while...

Wow, much has changed since April. Andrew, my beloved ex roommate did get the job in Phoenix. But, you know what I figured out? I now have a place to stay in Phoenix if I ever decide to visit... which I plan to this coming spring break.

So where am I now? I am still here in Lawrence. I had a friend named Jerry Jay that needed a roommate... and now I have 3 roommates! Diana, Ronnell, and Jerry. And the funny part is that I still feel alone. How can you live with 3 other people and still feel like you have no one to talk to? Seriously... I think something is wrong with me!!

My plan is to move in 2 years. I want to have 2 years to get my debt paid off and have some money in the savings. Where do I plan on moving at the end of my 2 years? Minneapolis!! Of course I will visit the city before I make that the place I offically move but right now thats the place I have my heart set on.

I'll try to write on here more often.

til next time!!

~Jet~

the waiting game

So... I thought next year was all figured out. And then.... my roomie Andrew threw me a curve ball. He has a job opportunity in Phoenix. The way he talks about it.... he acts like he already has the job. It has been stressing me out.

If he moves... what do I do? Where do I live?

I have been nothing but supportive of Andrew chasing his dreams. I love him and he is one of my closest friends out here in Lawrence. I try to hide how stressed I really am. But, to be honest.... I think if I weren't writing this now, the stress would probably kill me.

I tell Andrew not to worry because worst comes to worst I can always move back in with my parents... but honestly who really wants to do that?

My job is out here in Lawrence... so it would make sense to try to find a place out here. Yet, I'm not sure I can find another roommate:( And honestly... I'm scared to live by myself.

I know Kansas is not California... but the things I went through while I was in California.... will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. So... living alone would be out of the question. Right now it's just the waiting game... we have to wait to see if he gets the job. If he doesn't get it... no big deal... all this stress will be for nothing. But if he does get it... then... then I have to figure out a place to live. *sighs*

This whole thing just stinks because I want him to get the job... but I don't want him to leave:(

~Jet~

back in an old habit

So, it's been a while since I last blogged. I recently just came back from my trip to Chicago. That town is bigger than I could have ever imagined. I will upload pictures on facebook soon!! It will just take me a while seeing as I almost took 400 pictures.

Yes, I know I go photo crazy. But, it was a new town. I really want to go back to Chicago sometime soon. But, I just realized that there is so much of Kansas that I have yet to see. So, I might just try to explore this state some more first.

I also realized that even though I am still very drawn to Chicago for some reason.... I do not think it is a town I can see myself living in. It is too busy for me and not really the kind of busy I'm use to.

Andrew and I have decided to do another year on the lease. So starting in July will be our 3rd year. I love living with him... but a part of me can't help but think that I am still just playing it safe. We will see what the year has to offer.

I feel like I have been distant from the people in my life. I don't hardly go out anymore... and I've been pushing people away.... not sure exactly why.

But, since I have been spending a lot of time by myself... I've been doing some writing. I am still stuck on chapter one of my book. Not sure if I was just reaching too big or what.... but my preface is amazing!! lol. I have been writing some poems. I have been doing a lot of editing of older work and I have written 3 new ones. I admit I am shy to post things online. But... I am work on a notebook to send to my sister.

My sister is the only person that has read every poem I've written. She somehow never seems to be annoyed with the dark topics I cover at times. She really just helps me try to grow as a writer. So every couple of years or so I send her a notebook with new poems and then she sends it back to me.... with notes, comments, and suggestions.

It's kind of awesome!

~Jet~

last week

Last week was rough...

I lost one of my closest friendships out here in Lawrence. I know people always come in and out of our lives... I guess I just wasn't ready for this one. I didn't see it coming... it kind of just happened.

But... at the end of the day I knew that it was for the best if we went our separate ways. There was no way around it:(

I cried about it once.... (that was all Andrew would let me do) and then I just accepted it.

I am thankful to have other friends here to remind me of who I am. And the one guy who has been there for me the last few months... was there for me again. He was able to put a smile on my face... even when every part of me wanted to cry. It's no wonder why I am still falling for him.

Jay wants me to invite him to Chicago... but you guys know me I am too shy. I have liked him since college.... but that was different. That was before I really knew him for the man that he is. Since we graduated I have gotten to know him on a personal level. When I am with him though.... I try to block out every feeling I have for him. It's complicated to say the least. But... if life was simple, it probably wouldn't be worth living.

~Jet~

a year to remember

Last year I decided that my new year's resolution for this year would be to give up drinking. I wanted people to get to know me for who I am... I wanted this year to be a year I can remember.... everything.

At first I had no reason for doing it. I just felt like I needed to know that people love me for who I am. Not for who I am when I am drunk. Because I have to admit that some people that I am friends with out here... I almost never see them unless it includes drinking. I haven't really had too many deep heart-to-heart conversations with most of them...

But... a lot has changed since the first of the year. I now have a reason to not drink. I could get into all the details.... but in simple terms I will do this year for my brother. And there is a good chance that after this year I may never want to drink again.

I want to show him how much I love him... how much I support him. I want him to know that I am here for him. And though I could just say all of that... I feel like in this case my actions will speak louder than anything else I can say. This year will probably be one of the hardest years for him.... but it is an important year. If he can do it this year... than he will know that he will be able to do it for the rest of his life. And to share this year with him... to me right now that means the world.

I chose to stay in tonight because I knew that if I went out I would be pressured to drink. I am not sure everyone will understand why I am doing this... but that doesn't matter. As long as my brother knows..... as long as he understands, thats really all that matters.

~Jet~

first blog of the new year...

2010.

I plan to go back to school and get my master's degree. I don't really know what else to do... I feel like I have been wasting precious minutes of my life.... partying is fun, but there is more to life than that. I want to help people.... I want to make a difference. I have yet to decide where I will be going to school.

Lawrence has never felt like home. Most of my first year I cried myself to sleep because I felt so alone. I tried to build strong friendships by asking people to hangout and inviting people over for dinner. But, I felt like it was all one sided... so I have long given up on that. I accept the fact that most of these people have known each other longer than they have known me.

I almost spent New Eve Year's alone this year... just as last year. Thank God a co-worker invited me over. It just sucks that I did not spend it with any of my "friends."

It made me think that I really AM alone out here. I have nothing to keep me here...

Even if the man I'm falling for... even if he felt the same way, I don't think it would be enough to keep me here. It is only a matter of time before I leave.... start a new chapter of my life.

My roommate is supportive. He tells me to do what is best for me. But is it terrible that I don't know what that is? At least not right now. I just wish I had a sign.. something to tell me that I am going the right way... that I am exactly where I should be.